...In the Dating Desert

From time to time, despite using two internet dating sites, there are weeks and months when you simply can't find a date. You comb through the profiles on the browsing sites and see only the same photos and the same guys that have been there for the past several months. Some of them you're not interested in.. others have told you that they're not interested in you. At any rate, there seem to be no options left.

There's also times on matching sites when the matches slooooooow down and you end up getting one or two matches a day (at best) and those people they do match you with are from places like Rottendam, Netherlands or London. Look, internet dating gods. I'm not going to "date" someone from London. I'd like to actually SEE this person, so knock it off.

I'm in one of those times now. There are few new prospects and no encouraging emails to keep me focused on the possibility of an upcoming first date. I'm just in limbo.... which makes will power very very low.

So our favorite confused bachelor called on Friday night - an unexpected development given his freak out on Wednesday re: some other girl he's trying to reconnect with. I was clear about my expectations, so I figured I had covered myself and went to meet up with him. Once again, we had fun. We drank some wine, watched a movie, made out... and I spent the night. It was nice. I still have no idea what's going on here. I'm not sure he does, either. But, I suppose its perfectly acceptable to just hang out and have fun and just wait and see.

But, now that I'm starting to get itchy because alternative possibilities are weaning, I'm also starting to fall into old patterns.

I have a buddy. You know what kind of buddy... don't make me say it. Anyway, this buddy is trouble for me. We reconnect a few times a year when we're both in between relationships and, you know, do the thing that buddies do. But the problem is that whenever we start up again, he always says the things and does the things that he knows will make me happy... by making me feel like there's more there than there really is. He stays the night and chats with me about stuff beyond buddy talk... and I start to delude myself that this might be someone who is right for me. Which he ISN'T.

Since I don't know what's going on with the confused bachelor, I'm drawn to my buddy for comfort.. and also so that the confused bachelor can maybe detect another penis around and hop to in the "figuring out whether I'm interested or not" department. And also to remind myself that there are and always will be other men out there so I don't need to settle for someone who isn't right for me (for whatever reason).

At the moment, we're just having a civilized email conversation. But I know that if he's not seeing anyone, and despite the fact that I may be seeing someone, we'll probably end up rolling around with each other on at least one occasion. And is that so bad? When trapped in the dating desert, isn't it understandable that you take a sip from whatever canteen may be available even if you know that you'll be ill later from what you drank?

Well, things will continue on the way they've been going and I'll keep trying my damndest not to screw them up too badly. In the meantime, I'm just going to try to stay as hydrated as possible during my time in the desert...

.... And I'm Out

Doo doo dooooo DOOO!

We have an answer!

Everyone's favorite compelling but confused and confessing bachelor has now divulged the details which led to his crazy email on Monday night..... HE'S ACTIVELY TRYING TO GET SOME OTHER GIRL TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM!!

Well, OK then. Glad we got that out of the way.

Now, don't get me wrong. I actually really do respect him for telling me (finally?) and for being honest about his situation. But come on. He tells me that she came back into his life a couple of days before he "met" me online and that he's been pursuing her since. Well, jeez, dude. If you're hung up on this other girl and she's been around since before me, why did you even go out with me?? I mean, I guess I understand some of what he told me about the situation (which, honestly, I cut off before he started getting into the "friends chatting about my love woes" territory). He said he dated this girl a couple of months ago and felt that they really had something.... and then she kind of shut down on him. He felt like there could still be something there if she could just open up to him. All that I get. I just don't get how you continue to go out on dates when you know this is going on in the back of your head.

So.. what did I say to all this?

I said he should go and see if there's something there with this girl. Because if he doesn't, he'll always count it as a regret. I certainly don't want to stand in his way.. but I'm also not going to 1) become his friend to bounce ideas off of about some other girl; or 2) wait around going on "second best" dates with him until he figures his shit out. I'm very proud of this. In the past, I think, I might have said "hey, it's OK! I'll be your second best if you just continue to kiss me!" Which is so pathetic. I think that my decision was the correct one - to bow out of dating someone who is clearly unavailable at this time. However, I did leave the door open...

I told him that if things don't work out with this other girl and if he gets to a point where he feels like he's dealt with whatever he needs to deal with as far as that relationship goes, he should feel free to call me. I've never done that before. Leaving the door open is not something I'm used to doing. I'm usually an all or nothing kind of girl. Like, if I feel that it's not happening, you're just done. No questions asked. But, I think that this is a huge step for me because I'm leaving the door open not only to him, but also to myself. I'm giving myself permission to continue feeling fond of this guy. I mean, he really didn't do anything wrong. Sure, I'm not real happy about the result, but in the end, I think he did everything as close to right as he could. I can't turn him into the bad guy here and just assume that he's obviously an asshole and I never wanted anything to do with him in the first place. I'm admitting that maybe this is a great guy... who just wasn't right for me. At least, for now.

Maybe he'll contact me in the future, maybe he won't. But I guess I'm happy about the way this turned out in the sense that (even if this is something I should have learned 10 years ago...) I'm getting better at this dating thing. Even if it means I have to walk away.

.... But He Has Money.

OK, I'm going to leave my most recent, favorite-est, undecided bachelor behind for the moment. After my rant regarding his confusing email confession of not being able to get anything going at this point, I responded and just said that I will let him set the pace. To me, that means that I shut the hell up and wait for him to call/email/text/smoke signal me. Per my statement to that effect, we have 24 hours with no contact at this point. Go me for maintaining radio silence.

Ladies, I know you're with me when I say that the second you give up control of something like this and basically say that you're not going to call him, the only thing you want to do is call him. You don't even have anything to say! You just want to call him because its the ONE THING YOU CAN'T DO. So, to distract myself, I continued emailing with some other potential beaus...

So on the matching site I use, they recommend that you correspond with everyone they match you with regardless of whether or not you're physically attracted to the person when looking at their picture. This is a funny request to me. I mean, look. I've dated lots of guys and lots of the lots of guys I've dated have been people I wouldn't necessarily pick out of a crowd if asked to identify guys I thought were attractive. However, there has to be SOMETHING there that attracts me to them in order to have ANY potential to go anywhere. So, I follow the site's advice. I email with almost anyone who wants to chat on this site, regardless of how horrifying their picture is. And there are some real shockers out there.

Anyway, so I've been emailing with this guy recently whose photograph is of the sort that I have to ignore before hitting "send" on every email. He's a bit chubby - which isn't the problem - but he also kind of dowdy looking (i.e. ill-fitting, ugly clothes and holding a large trout or some manner of fish) in the picture. So every time I go to email this guy I literally think to myself "god, we'd better continue emailing for a while so that I develop some kind of interest in this guy before we meet so that I can overlook his physical appearance and try to enjoy our date." Which is sad! Until....

Last night he sent me an email that said something like the following:

I've worked very hard my whole life to get where I am today and I'm really looking for someone to share my financial security with. I want to be able to take another safari soon and want to find someone who would want to go with me to have that experience.

.... Wait. Wait, wait, wait. You want to take ANOTHER safari? You're looking for someone to COME WITH YOU on such a trip?

You're rich.

So here's the thing. I've never thought of myself as someone who would be interested in a man because he had money. I have a job. I have a good job. I make my own money. I have no interest in getting married just so that I can quit working and have my husband support me financially for the rest of my life. Fuck that.

However....

I confess that the disclosure of this information by my less-than-steamy-potential-love-match yesterday really upped the ante here. Now I'm a bit more interested. Now I'm finding myself checking my email frequently hoping to hear from him and kind of wondering whether I can parlay an upcoming first date into a dinner at Alinea or Tru or something....

This is terrible!! I don't use men for their money! I'm not at all interested in that kind of thing! I'm not that kind of girl! Or.... am I?

Is it just a universal truth that women are turned on by money? Is it possible that I don't know myself well enough to know that I would be interested in such a thing which I've resisted as a romantic turn on all my life? To be continued.... maybe.

Wait... He Said What??

So after analyzing my confusion over and over about this most recent object of my dating affections, I decided to head to bed last night. When, lo and behold, there's an email from him in my inbox! Now I had obsessively checked this email account all day long waiting for this illusive email, but of course it didn't come until just before bed. So, of course, I opened it with bated breath....

The email says... wait for it... that he DOESN'T have the ability to "pursue anything" at this point, but that he still wants to spend time with me because he's "enjoyed every minute" of the time we've spent together so far.

WHAT. THE. HELL. DOES. THAT. MEAN.

Guys. Aaaaaall the guys out there. Here's the deal. And, ladies, don't get all pissed off when I say this because if you sit and think on this theory for a while I'm pretty sure you'll agree with me....

If you are not interested in someone and you are debating whether or not to use the TRUTH when you try to let them down, JUST SAY YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED AND GIVE A REASON WHY. You don't have to be super mean about it. I'm not advocating that you tell me that you're not interested in me because you caught a little glimpse of my cellulite last week as I got out of bed to grab a glass of water after we had sex and it made you want to vomit. Oh no. That's just rude. What I AM saying is that if you're not interested and it's because of a reason like that, please please PLEASE just say that you're not interested because you don't think that there's enough chemistry between us. Or because you met someone else. Or because you don't agree with my politics. Or because you just haven't had that much fun with me.

These excuses might seem harsh (although, I think we can all agree that they're kinder than the cellulite comment), the thing is that they say why you don't think you're compatible with ME. Once you've said one of these things to me, I'm probably going to get offended. It's gonna happen. You're breaking up with me - get with it. But, see, the reason that's a good thing is that it will HELP ME GET OVER YOU SOONER. When you say things like "I'm just not ready" or "I just don't have time" or "its not you, its me" I retain a certain amount of hope. If you're breaking up with someone or just telling them that you don't care to see them ever again, please just say something that will CRUSH my hope.

I'm serious on this one. It's way easier to get over someone who just says something definitive that you can latch onto and understand why you won't make a good match than it is to get over someone who is trying to be nice and spare your feelings. The difference is that I can UNDERSTAND a breakup that has a REASON behind it. When you just say that "you don't have time" for me, I can't understand that. You say that you really like me and I'm great and it has nothing to do with me, but you just don't have time. Here's the thing - if you liked me enough, you'd MAKE time! Just tell the truth!

Soo......

What to do with my current guy?

First of all, I responded to a couple of other emails from new guys on my dating sites today. Let's keep everything in perspective, here. Then.. I responded to him.

I explained that I'm extremely confused about what is going on and why he's handled communication the way he has thus far. I also (and I'm pretty proud of this) told him basically what I said above - stop trying to sugar coat things and just tell me if you're not interested. He denies it. He says he just wants to slow things down.

Slow things down?? You haven't even asked me on a third date!! How can you slow down from a full halt???

So, here's the lesson to you guys. Doing this stuff may seem nice in your head, but ultimately its not. You're just making it harder on me. And.. for the record... I'm not going to DIE because you break up with me or tell me that you're not interested in seeing me anymore. Get over yourself. Have the courtesy to just tell me straight up, without excuses or pretense, and let's all move on with our lives.

Now.... since my beau continues to maintain that he's interested in seeing me again.. the waiting game continues to see how long it will take him to call.

...Was That Wrong?

So I went on a first date about a week ago now. Tuesday night. Casual drinks. Very interested in my date. The date went very well. Maybe a bit too well. Now I'm left wondering whether it's my fault that these things go nowhere when I give in to a date going too well....

A bit of background:

I do not have a ton of luck picking guys up in my everyday life. I am no blonde-Barbie-doll-type and I work a LOT, so if you're going to find me, you'd basically have to be coming by my office to specifically sell ME something. And then I'd probably just tell the receptionist to tell you to go away - I'm just too busy for sales calls.

Anyway, being the independent woman of the 90's that I am, I use a lot of internet dating sites. At the moment, I'm using two of them - one a matching site (one that gives you matches to consider) and one a browsing site (one where you browse photos and profiles and pick and choose who to communicate with). Frankly, I've never had much luck with matching sites, but two friends recently found love on this one and suggested I try it... so I did. And that's where my date comes in...

Back to the action:

So I started exchanging emails with this guy maybe 2 weeks ago. When we were first "matched" I thought to myself that he was too good looking for me - that it would never ever work out because I would always feel like he should be with someone better looking than I. However, since I know that such an attitude is grossly self-defeating and won't get me anywhere in my quest, I continued emailing him. The emails were great. Informative, cute, well-written (for the most part) and responsive. I never had to wait more than a few hours to get a response from him and I was starting to feel a little quivery below the belt every time his name popped up in my.. ahem... inbox.

Anyway, we decided to make a date for last Tuesday. He suggested a casual college bar near me. Some might say it's a mistake to go to such a casual place - but I don't mind it. Keeps the pressure and the bar tab low. I got a cute new silk top and dressed in my tight, butt-hugging dark jeans and comfortable-yet-flashy metallic heels. I looked really cute. When I got there, HE looked cute. We started chatting. We drank a few beers. We laughed and joked and ... eventually... YAHTZEE! He came to sit on my side of the table.

This is a sign of a date going really well! We were talking with our lips right next to each others' ears, resting our foreheads together between sentences, playfully kissing and touching... everything was going great! Then we get up to leave and start to walk down the gangway towards the sidewalk out front. BAM! More kissing in the gangway - this time more intense. Great! I'm thinking... this is going so well! There's so much chemistry! We're really into each other! He asks when he can see me again and we decide Friday night sounds like a good second date night. Yippee!!

Out on the street and neither of us wants to leave. He walks me home. He comes inside with me and... stays the night.

Now. I know that conventional wisdom is that if you give away the milk, no one is going to buy the cow. However, since I'm not of the school of thought that you must remain thirsty until the day you marry, I'm not so concerned about violating old axiomatic rules. Still, things seemed weird after this happened.

Since Wednesday morning, I've talked to this guy on the phone, emailed with him, called him, and spent time with him at his place on the pre-determined Friday night date, but there's been no talk of another date. No questions about when I'm available and he's not taking the bait I'm giving him on the subject, either. For example, he told me yesterday that he's taking Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off this week. I asked "do you have any big plans for your time off?" He responds that he has plans Tuesday and Friday evenings, but nothing on any of the other days. Period.

HELLO!!! THAT'S YOUR CUE TO ASK IF I'M AVAILABLE ONE OF THOSE OTHER NIGHTS!!!

What is going on here? He's initiated communication twice and I've initiated communication twice, so we're even odds on that. He responded to my "give me a call sometime if you want to hang out" text with a resounding "Of course!".. but makes no definite plans to see me. So what gives?

Part of me realizes that I have the desire to know what something is as soon as it becomes ANYTHING. In this case, I've known this guy for 6 days. He doesn't owe me anything nor do I owe him anything. Still, I find myself struggling not to send him an email that says "look, are you interested or not" just so I can put him in the "yes" or the "no" column in my head! I mean, if you're not interested, STOP TALKING TO ME. Just blow me off! I'll take the hint! But you keep kind of hanging on and I don't know where you stand.

Time to institute the no contact rule for this one, I think. Ugh!!

So I Met This Guy....

It seems like I've been dating forever. I mean, from hookups to internet dates to set ups to guys who ask you to "things" rather than "dates," it just seems like I've seen it all.

I've become a circus side show to most of my friends. Old coworkers ask me whether I've "got any good dating stories" (read: any humiliating stories of being stood up, treated poorly, dumped or otherwise embarassed while attempting to find love) before setting up a lunch date. Somehow, if I reply that I do NOT have any such stories, the lunch never quite comes together.

Don't get me wrong - I'm really not jaded yet. In fact, sometimes I think I'm far to hopeful yet for my own good. A jaded girl would never assume that the guy's gonna call. A cynic wouldn't check her email to see if he'd jotted a quick "had a great time" message the morning after a date. Oh no. I'm the eternal optimist. Wearing "Sex and the City" colored glasses, I truly believe somewhere deep down inside my chest that there is someone out there for me. And that's, I think, my problem.

I watch single friend after single friend find and couple with dates who seem PERFECT for them. Then, I see couple after couple consummating their relationships with a ring and some vows and a really tasteless meal followed by insane dancing and smearing of cake in each others' faces. But they're happy - at least for now. So what am I doing wrong??

I know, I know. This is the forlorn-Friday-night sob of any number of single gals all over the world. Why isn't he calling? Why can't I meet someone? Where is he?

The thing is, I do pretty well for myself. I go on a fair number of dates (4 in the past three weeks!). I meet a wide variety of men from a slew of different backgrounds. But none of them seem to work out. And I don't mean that they don't work out down the road. I mean, they don't work out INSTANTANEOUSLY. I'd say about 85% of my dates end in one or both of us saying something like "well it was nice to meet you... bye!!" or "I think this is more of a friendshp thing..."

Well, I'm sick of meeting new people who I'll never speak to again and I don't need any more friendships. I want a relationship with someone I really care for. I want a relationship with someone who really cares about me. I am not willing to settle and I am not willing to fundamentally change myself to find a guy. So, what to do?

I'm going to chronicle my dating exploits - from dates, to online dating profiles, to burgeoning relationships, to any other ridiculous nonsense that happens to me along the way - in the hopes of gaining some clarity about my situation and what I need to do to find what it is that I'm looking for. Hopefully this will also help me process my feelings - both good and bad - about dating and the people I'm dating as well.

So, continue on, fair reader... and feel free to comment about my adventures. The goal of this blog is to understand myself a little bit better so that maybe I can start meeting, dating, and loving the right people. Since I haven't been able to do that in the past 29 years, maybe this (and your comments!) will help.