Where Can I Go From Here.....?

I spent last night with the confused bachelor. Not like THAT. Just spent the evening with him. I had hoped that going up there was going to help me figure out what's going on between us, but now I'm more confused than ever. Let me back up... I kind of glossed over the details of what's been going on in my last post, so I feel as though I have a responsibility to bring you, gentle reader, back up to speed.

You'll recall that the confused bachelor came from a matching online dating site. We were matched, we started emailing, there was immediate email chemistry. We met up for a date, had a great connection... then the weirdness started. He would make plans and then cancel them. He would only suggest seeing me at his apartment - never out in the world. He then confessed to me that he was trying to rekindle a dating relationship with someone he met before me. So I cut him off..... but he came back. I let him in again and we started to get closer. Then, he started blowing me off constantly and I told him that I don't want anything to do with a relationship based solely on what HE needs. We stopped talking.... then he came back again.

This last blow up was big. It was hurtful. It took me a while to get through it. But, as usual... he came back. Now we are where we are and I'm so confused. Although, maybe reading through this saga I'm starting to see that perhaps I shouldn't feel so confused.

Confusing fact #1: HE always re-initiates communication.

When I've told him to get lost, it's always been him who rekindled our relationship. He always contacts me to tell me how much he hates not talking to me. I - perhaps stupidly - take that as an indication that he is interested in me. Enough to swallow his pride and take the risk that I'll tell him to screw off when he re-contacts me. Although now he's got a reasonable assurance that I won't do that since I've let him restart things with me three times now without telling him to get out of town so I suppose that tempers the courage it takes him to recontact me.

Confusing fact #2: We have ridiculously strong physical chemistry.

It's great. Really. It's hot and satisfying and tender and sweet and .... OK. Enough details on that. Suffice it to say that I find it hard to believe that two people can sustain this kind of chemistry and have nothing between them.

Confusing fact #3: He's told me flat-out that he has feelings for me.

He's implied this before, but last night he actually SAID it. We watched movies and started to chat about love and life and our relationship and I put it out there that I have feelings for him. I'm not sure I've ever said that to him, either. He immediately said "and I have feelings for you." We talked about this for a really long time and now I just don't know what to think.

Basically he told me that he used to have a life he loved when he lived on the east coast. He had a girlfriend he loved (and who he thought he would marry) and a home and a dog and he was near to his son and he loved his job..... all of the pieces had fallen into place. Then.... she broke up with him and sent his whole world into upheaval. He was kicked out of his home, lost many of his friends, and had to find his footing after losing someone he thought he'd be with the rest of his life. So he picked up and left, moved to Chicago, and here he is today.

The fact is that he's not happy here. The reason he's not happy here is because he's trying to find the life he had on the east coast here - which won't, of course, ever happen. He'll never be with her or have the job he left or the house he lived in or the friends he lost while he's here. And he can't let go of that ideal and build a life for himself here. So, now knowing all of this, I need to figure out what to do here.

I have real feelings for this person. I'm attracted to him. He makes me laugh. When he's not bogged down inside his own thoughts, he's great to talk to. He's intelligent. We just have a good time together and we want the same thing - a real, involved, committed, meaningful relationship. I know he's done some messed up things to me in the brief three months I've known him, but I can't deny that my feelings for him remain. Perhaps I'm stupidly forgiving and perhaps I should be smarter about this, but I can't wish away my feelings....

I also realize that there may just not be anything here for me. I can't compete with his life on the east coast. I'm never going to be the girl that he lost. I'm never going to fit into that idea of perfection. And I can't get him to snap out of the idea that he'll somehow be able to get that life back despite the fact that it exploded spectacularly into 1,000 pieces. I also can't do anything to get him to realize that maybe starting a new relationship might help him start to put down some roots here and start a real life here. I can't save him.

So, I don't know what to do. I don't know how I feel because my feelings for him are strong, but my feeling that I need to stop letting him hurt me (not intentionally, but just by not committing to me despite his feelings for me) while he figures out his life will eventually get stronger. I guess this is really hard because I know that if I continue on the course that I'm on, it is very likely that I will continue to grow closer to him and will eventually get very hurt when I realize that he is not capable of committing to me. However, I also know that if I don't continue to give this a shot, I'll regret it. I'll always wonder if I walked away from this guy to keep myself from getting hurt and lost out on an opportunity to start something real with him. I just don't know. I'm just terribly torn and I have no idea what to do.

So.... I'm off to girls' night out with Quinn! Hurrah! Dinner and drinks and dancing is just what I need to snap out of this malaise and start looking on the positive side of things again.... even though I'll probably be checking my phone and email all night hoping that he called me. Sad. :)

... the More I Love My Dog

Ever heard this song? Carrie Underwood sings it. "The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog." This is a very astute observation. I'm living proof.

The last two months have been, well, trying. I had drinks with a friend of mine the other night who told me that I collect failed dating partners as if they were puppies. I sit them down and line them up and train them like good little dogs in order to feel better about my own dating experiences. The sad thing is, she's kind of right. Let me explain...

It's been a while since my last post, so things are quite different now than the were a month an a half ago. Hopefully I can cut back on the time lapse between posts in the future. Anyway, since my last post, I've gained two "friends" from failed dating experiences, rekindled a romance that just won't seem to end and started dating a new person who, I think, may be too boring for me. Allow me to elaborate.

Our favorite confused bachelor is now, apparently, my "friend." I put that label in quotes because we're still trying to parse out the parameters of this friendly-but-not-dating relationship which, if I'm honest, is a direct result of the fact that I like chatting with this guy (amongst other things) too much to just let it die - which it really needs to. Things got messy between us about 3 weeks back. Lots of text message confessions of love and a pseudo-suicide threat and just a lot of fricking drama. I would go into more detail, but, frankly, I don't want to embarrass myself any more than I already have been by publishing the facts of the situation and demonstrating once again what an idiot I am sometimes.

Anyway, so there was this whole ridiculous blowup between us and we stopped talking... for about a week and a half. Then his texts started. And the emails. And the "well, can't we be friends?" And I'm too stupid and, frankly, too smitten with the idea of this guy not to participate. I'm hoping that I'll eventually snap out of it, realize that there's nothing to be had here, and slowly let it fade away. We'll see.

Second friend acquisition is the last guy I talked about before hiatus. Good writer, interesting person - totally wrong for me romantically. We did two dates. They were fun. I felt no attraction whatsoever, so I told him friendship was all I can offer him. He accepted, which was somewhat surprising. Normally, guys just don't respond to the "lets be friends" email, which is what I expected here. Instead, I got an invite to his place to have takeout and watch old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer which, I must confess, is a rockin' good night to me. So, we've been hanging out and talking very regularly since then. Its actually been really great and I'm really really glad things turned out that way.

The thing is, though, that I act as a kind of dating coach to both of these guys. With the confused bachelor, he tells me about dates, I respond. He doesn't want to hear about my dates, though. A sure-fire sign that he's not yet transitioned into the "friend" mode we've discussed. Graphic designer (bachelor #2), however, is completely transitioned and is a great friend to talk with about dating and internet nonsense. And these are, I think, the two possibilities for "friendship" after you realize you're not a match: either you torture each other with your presence pretending that you're not still attracted to one another or you turn into a dating coach and talk about little else in your lives.

So, there's those two. Who knows what's going on with either of them.

After the confused bachelor debacle I decided that I should use my traditional tactic of finding a ton of new guys to chat with online to ease the pain of the loss. I know, I know. There should have been no pain there. But, there was.... so I needed a distraction. I decided to change dating sites just to see what else was out there since I'd been using the same site for quite some time. So, I switched over and started my search....... and found very very little.

It seems that online dating sites go through phases (like dating in general) of having waaaaay too many choices or absolutely no one you'd ever be caught dead in public with. Plus, once you've been on a particular site for long enough, everyone starts to just be the same ol', same ol'. So, I figured that a change of scenery would be a good thing - but it turned out to be a whole lot more of the same - not much.

Anyway, I did start talking to one person on the new site. He's a web designer. A bit older than my usual age range, but I figured that since I'd plunged headfirst back into the dating desert, I shouldn't be so picky. We exchanged emails for a week or so and he, having failed to make a suggestion on his own, accepted my invitation to dinner at a low-key french restaurant we had both mentioned we liked. I was somewhat skeptical given his reluctance to ask me out and the age difference, but I was very pleasantly surprised after the date. Conversation was easy, we were laughing, enjoying each other's company. We closed out the restaurant. I was so shocked! But it was nice to get a surprise on a date - that hasn't happened to me in a while.

So I didn't hear from this guy.... for a week!!! Now, I wouldn't normally get irritated by this. Maybe a little hurt (if I thought the date had gone well), but not irritated, really. In this case, however, I was getting VERY irritated not hearing from him. Why? Because he made a pseudo-plan. What is a pseudo-plan you ask? Its a not-quite-a-plan. It's a lets-do-this-again, but not just "this." In this case it was "let's go to a movie together." OK. That sounds good! You have my number. Call me!

But there was no call. There was no email. For seven days!!! Seven days!!! Now, if the date had ended without a pseudo-plan, I would think "eh, he's just not interested." But you ACTED interested! You brought up another date! You even suggested an activity!! I thought...... ugh.

So I'm a total victim of the "He's Just Not That Into You" pop culture phenomenon. I feel like if a guy doesn't call me, its because he doesn't WANT to call me. So I mulled this over and thought it through and bounced it off of some friends and finally (after some fairly stern cajoling from the graphic designer) decided to email him. And he wrote back! Quickly! And suggested another date! For a Friday night! All good things. So, maybe that Greg guy isn't all that smart after all.

So! I went on the first Friday night date I've had in a really long time. Internet dating veterans all know that a Friday night date is a coveted prize. It means that the person you're dating actually values your time. A Tuesday night is expendable. A Friday night though..... it means something. So we met up for dinner at a veeeeery yummy Indian restaurant near my place (excellent taste!) and then went to see Zombieland. Fun stuff! Such a great date! Too bad we were both so fricking exhausted that conversation dragged, I almost fell asleep in the movie and, well, I screwed up the end of the date.

Now, web designer and I did not kiss on our first date. Which is OK. But I really wanted to get the kiss going on during this date. I mean, if there's no chemistry, what's the point, right? By the time we got back to my place (he drove me home from the theater... it was after midnight when we got back to my building) I was so desperate to get into bed and just get to sleep that I dashed out of the car and ran inside, stripping my clothes off as I went and (after a VERY quick potty break for my dog) went straight to bed.

Next morning I woke up and thought, OMIGOD, WHAT DID I DO???? What a fool I am! Did I lose my damn mind??? What to do? What to do? We were both exhausted. The date wasn't bad.. it was just... quiet. So, I decided to email him right away and explain that I ran from the car not because of distaste or disappointment, but out of sheer exhaustion-induced insanity.

Thankfully, he wrote back to me the same day and said he was relieved to hear that was the reason and not that I didn't want to go out again. So, we're trying to schedule another date now. Lesson learned. He may not be that into me.. but I'll never have any idea how into him I am if I don't put myself out there, communicate with my dates and swallow my pride - just a little.