.... But He Has Money.

OK, I'm going to leave my most recent, favorite-est, undecided bachelor behind for the moment. After my rant regarding his confusing email confession of not being able to get anything going at this point, I responded and just said that I will let him set the pace. To me, that means that I shut the hell up and wait for him to call/email/text/smoke signal me. Per my statement to that effect, we have 24 hours with no contact at this point. Go me for maintaining radio silence.

Ladies, I know you're with me when I say that the second you give up control of something like this and basically say that you're not going to call him, the only thing you want to do is call him. You don't even have anything to say! You just want to call him because its the ONE THING YOU CAN'T DO. So, to distract myself, I continued emailing with some other potential beaus...

So on the matching site I use, they recommend that you correspond with everyone they match you with regardless of whether or not you're physically attracted to the person when looking at their picture. This is a funny request to me. I mean, look. I've dated lots of guys and lots of the lots of guys I've dated have been people I wouldn't necessarily pick out of a crowd if asked to identify guys I thought were attractive. However, there has to be SOMETHING there that attracts me to them in order to have ANY potential to go anywhere. So, I follow the site's advice. I email with almost anyone who wants to chat on this site, regardless of how horrifying their picture is. And there are some real shockers out there.

Anyway, so I've been emailing with this guy recently whose photograph is of the sort that I have to ignore before hitting "send" on every email. He's a bit chubby - which isn't the problem - but he also kind of dowdy looking (i.e. ill-fitting, ugly clothes and holding a large trout or some manner of fish) in the picture. So every time I go to email this guy I literally think to myself "god, we'd better continue emailing for a while so that I develop some kind of interest in this guy before we meet so that I can overlook his physical appearance and try to enjoy our date." Which is sad! Until....

Last night he sent me an email that said something like the following:

I've worked very hard my whole life to get where I am today and I'm really looking for someone to share my financial security with. I want to be able to take another safari soon and want to find someone who would want to go with me to have that experience.

.... Wait. Wait, wait, wait. You want to take ANOTHER safari? You're looking for someone to COME WITH YOU on such a trip?

You're rich.

So here's the thing. I've never thought of myself as someone who would be interested in a man because he had money. I have a job. I have a good job. I make my own money. I have no interest in getting married just so that I can quit working and have my husband support me financially for the rest of my life. Fuck that.

However....

I confess that the disclosure of this information by my less-than-steamy-potential-love-match yesterday really upped the ante here. Now I'm a bit more interested. Now I'm finding myself checking my email frequently hoping to hear from him and kind of wondering whether I can parlay an upcoming first date into a dinner at Alinea or Tru or something....

This is terrible!! I don't use men for their money! I'm not at all interested in that kind of thing! I'm not that kind of girl! Or.... am I?

Is it just a universal truth that women are turned on by money? Is it possible that I don't know myself well enough to know that I would be interested in such a thing which I've resisted as a romantic turn on all my life? To be continued.... maybe.

Wait... He Said What??

So after analyzing my confusion over and over about this most recent object of my dating affections, I decided to head to bed last night. When, lo and behold, there's an email from him in my inbox! Now I had obsessively checked this email account all day long waiting for this illusive email, but of course it didn't come until just before bed. So, of course, I opened it with bated breath....

The email says... wait for it... that he DOESN'T have the ability to "pursue anything" at this point, but that he still wants to spend time with me because he's "enjoyed every minute" of the time we've spent together so far.

WHAT. THE. HELL. DOES. THAT. MEAN.

Guys. Aaaaaall the guys out there. Here's the deal. And, ladies, don't get all pissed off when I say this because if you sit and think on this theory for a while I'm pretty sure you'll agree with me....

If you are not interested in someone and you are debating whether or not to use the TRUTH when you try to let them down, JUST SAY YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED AND GIVE A REASON WHY. You don't have to be super mean about it. I'm not advocating that you tell me that you're not interested in me because you caught a little glimpse of my cellulite last week as I got out of bed to grab a glass of water after we had sex and it made you want to vomit. Oh no. That's just rude. What I AM saying is that if you're not interested and it's because of a reason like that, please please PLEASE just say that you're not interested because you don't think that there's enough chemistry between us. Or because you met someone else. Or because you don't agree with my politics. Or because you just haven't had that much fun with me.

These excuses might seem harsh (although, I think we can all agree that they're kinder than the cellulite comment), the thing is that they say why you don't think you're compatible with ME. Once you've said one of these things to me, I'm probably going to get offended. It's gonna happen. You're breaking up with me - get with it. But, see, the reason that's a good thing is that it will HELP ME GET OVER YOU SOONER. When you say things like "I'm just not ready" or "I just don't have time" or "its not you, its me" I retain a certain amount of hope. If you're breaking up with someone or just telling them that you don't care to see them ever again, please just say something that will CRUSH my hope.

I'm serious on this one. It's way easier to get over someone who just says something definitive that you can latch onto and understand why you won't make a good match than it is to get over someone who is trying to be nice and spare your feelings. The difference is that I can UNDERSTAND a breakup that has a REASON behind it. When you just say that "you don't have time" for me, I can't understand that. You say that you really like me and I'm great and it has nothing to do with me, but you just don't have time. Here's the thing - if you liked me enough, you'd MAKE time! Just tell the truth!

Soo......

What to do with my current guy?

First of all, I responded to a couple of other emails from new guys on my dating sites today. Let's keep everything in perspective, here. Then.. I responded to him.

I explained that I'm extremely confused about what is going on and why he's handled communication the way he has thus far. I also (and I'm pretty proud of this) told him basically what I said above - stop trying to sugar coat things and just tell me if you're not interested. He denies it. He says he just wants to slow things down.

Slow things down?? You haven't even asked me on a third date!! How can you slow down from a full halt???

So, here's the lesson to you guys. Doing this stuff may seem nice in your head, but ultimately its not. You're just making it harder on me. And.. for the record... I'm not going to DIE because you break up with me or tell me that you're not interested in seeing me anymore. Get over yourself. Have the courtesy to just tell me straight up, without excuses or pretense, and let's all move on with our lives.

Now.... since my beau continues to maintain that he's interested in seeing me again.. the waiting game continues to see how long it will take him to call.