... Because He Needed Some Closure

So, I come home Thursday night from work just exhausted. I'm not really sure why because I've managed to perfect the art of looking busy while doing nothing all week at work. It's kind of sad and terrifying at the same time that I can convince people in my office that I'm maddeningly busy and actually be playing mafia wars all afternoon on Facebook.

Anyway, I sit down on my couch and decide to check email. Lo and behold, who has emailed me but our favorite confused bachelor. The email says the following: I'm really sorry - I wasn't myself when I was being a jerk to you. I'm going through a lot and can't deal with extra pressure right now. I'm really sorry.

Huh??

I mean, really. Huh??

What is that supposed to do for me? Make me feel better about how things went because you're really not an asshole but just acted like one for the last several weeks to a person you'd never even met before???

OK, OK. Now that's a bit harsh. But the reality is that he didn't send me this email for me to feel better - he sent it for HIM to feel better. This email was meant to calm some nagging feeling he was having about how he left things with me. Like he wanted to satisfy himself that he's still a "good guy" and that "good guys" apologize for being jerks or something. To me, that's totally unnecessary since we had only known each other for 3-4 weeks and had only spent time together on 3 occasions. At that point, you don't owe me squat.

I could have ignored the message. I could have written something bitchy back, but I did neither of those things. Nope! I wrote a sweet but firm message that said that I hoped, first and foremost, that he was doing OK. Second, that I stand by my decision to cut him off until and unless he becomes able to invest emotionally in me as much as he was asking me to invest in him. And I finished off by saying that the door is still open if he gets to a point in his life where he's worked things out and can actually get into a relationship. I think it was the right thing to do. Ad I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns.

Now...on to the next.

About the Email....

Instead of spending hours and hours (ok, ok... more like, instead of spending days and days because I AM spending hours and hours) wondering why things went awry with the confused bachelor, I did what any self-respecting internet dater would do to forget about a misstep in the world of love - I sent emails and/or "notices of interest short of an email" to about 20 guys in the last two days. I also updated my picture to be a picture of me from a wedding I attended this weekend. In case you, gentle reader, are also exploring the world of internet dating, updating your photo every few weeks is the best way to keep traffic up on your profile. Regardless if you've had a change of appearance of not, it's good just to keep a fresh photo up there. You never know what picture will attract which guy (or gal), so change them early and often to make sure you're getting as many kits as possible.

So, anyway, as usual, the results from this fishing expedition had been minimal so far. See, in the world of internet dating, if you don't get a response to an email or .. that other thing that's not an email.. within a day or so, you can pretty much write that person off as being one of two things: 1) not interested; or 2) no longer a subscriber to that site. Its kind of good, actually. Keeps the guessing down to a minimum. And I have no problem getting no responses to emails, etc... it's just casting a wide net to see what comes back.

So, this morning at work, I was extremely bored. Coming back from a long weekend is always difficult, but coming back to not much work is actually worse. At least when you have a lot to do your day goes by fast. But this morning I found myself with some time and continued my search a bit further. I came across a profile that intrigued me. The "headline" of the profile (basically, a tweet that is supposed to entice people to look at you) said the following:

I live life by a simple philosophy, make every moment as great as possible in an effort to balance out those not in your control. Join me?

I like that motto. It makes sense to me. I want to be with someone who has that motto (and who is not in the camp of the clinically depressed like our woebegone confused bachelor) and who wants to get out into the WORLD. Now... a few caveats. This guy is not really someone I am normally attracted to. He classifies himself as having "a few extra pounds" and from his pictures looks like he would need a lot of work in the area of fashion and hair care... but those are fixable items. Plus the actual profile was really really good. He likes lists. He's a graphic designer. He's funny. He talked about what he would do with his leftover lunch money when he was 10 years old - which involved a very painful decision between buying music and buying comics. Adorable. Smart. Funny.

So, I think, what the hell. I'll email him and see if anything comes of it. He responds promptly. His email is spectacular. It's also adorable, smart, funny and well written which, in the world of internet dating, is the fucking holy grail. He SAID things about his life and made OBSERVATIONS about the world. He related a few funny stories and conveyed a positive outlook on dating in general. So, I responded in kind, telling him about some strange and funny things that happened to me this weekend and giving a bit more information about me. He responded AGAIN with an even longer email which asked really great questions about me and my profile and told me that my dog is "cute as hell."

Now, anyone who knows me will tell you that Corby, my beagle, is the gatekeeper to my heart. If Corby doesn't like you, you're not getting anywhere. So, the fact that he brought up the dog unprompted and said he was really really cute was a big deal.

So everything is great! Right? Maybe.

Here's the thing with the email. Many men who are able to email in this way are totally different people when you meet them. As if they only create a personality in writing and otherwise don't have much of one whatsoever. It's always a huge disappointment because you get so excited about the possibility of this person being really great and then your hopes are completely squashed by the void left when their keyboard is taken from them.

However....

He's already proposed a date. HUGE. Some guys don't ask you out for ages.

Also....

He made two suggestions for the date. GIGANTIC. Most guys just ask "well, what do YOU want to do" rather than actually putting some thought into the matter.

Furthermore...

His suggestions were GOOD! His first was dinner/drinks/midnight movie at the Music Box which is... wait for it... ALIENS. Hilarious! His second suggestion was seeing the new exhibit at the MCA which is one of my favorite places in the entire city. I got all tingly just reading these suggestions.

So then my excitement shut down. This happens occasionally when my subconscious is trying to protect me from something that may or may not be (in this case, a guy who seems great in email but could be a big nothing) and becomes a bit overactive in times of breakup. So, I'm going to keep emailing with the graphic designer and see how it goes. I'm going to try to stay excited and not let my current, somewhat wounded state get in my way. I'm gonna pick up those Sex and the City colored glasses and move on.... which is just what the Girls would do.

That's All, Folks....

Not unexpectedly, our confused bachelor just became a thing of the past. Let me bring you up to speed....

So, after I told him to back off until he had resolved things with whoever this other girl is. He backed off for about 48 hours. We saw each other that Friday and then chatted all week long. It was nice.

On Friday I went up to Wisconsin to see one of my best friends get married. The wedding was great! Very beautiful and moving. I had a great time. On Friday he was texting me on the way up there and was getting kind of ... ahem, frisky.... in his messages. I was excited! He seemed to actually be interested in seeing me (I know, as I'm writing this I'm thinking to myself that feeling that this guy is ACTUALLY interested in seeing me is a terrible sign) so we made a plan for this (Sunday) evening.

I got home a little while ago and touched base with him to see what time he wanted to meet up. He avoided the question, so I just said that I would just let him know when I was done running errands. Then, after a long silence, he sent the following text back to me:

"I think perhaps you should make other plans. I'm just really not myself. Getting together probably wouldn't be right for either of us."

#1: Do NOT tell me what's right for me. I tell YOU what's right for me. Do not try to put whatever this is onto me by implying that you're protecting me from doing something bad.

#2: You're an asshole.

Now I've tried my best not to lash out at this guy and to cut him some slack. He seems like he's gone through a lot in his life (and even within the past few weeks) and he really needed someone to lean on. But this is just ridiculous. It seems to me that he's just been using me to fill whatever this emotional void is that he has at the moment and isn't really all that interested in me as a person. Well screw that.

I of course called him immediately upon getting this text and (since, of course, he did not answer) left him a message. I said that it seems like he's not really interested in seeing me... and that I can't continue to invest emotionally in him if that is the case. So, I'm going to stop communicating with him... and he should call me if - and ONLY if - he actually wants to see me.

If I'm honest with myself, this is the better outcome. He seems like the type of person who just likes to wallow in his problems and make no effort to feel happy or work it out. I'm not that person. I want to find a partner who is kind and caring and who wants me to be happy and will allow me to make him happy, too. I don't want to constantly be picking the person I'm with up off the floor and desperately trying to make him happy. It's not my job. My job is to listen and comfort and be there in the bad times.... but also to create good times and experience those good times with my partner as often as possible. I'm not going to tail after some guy who is just not interested in having any good times... its just not worth my time.

Now... back to trolling profiles for the next first date!