What Happens When I Say "I Love Me More".....?

It's been quite a while, gentle reader. Much has happened.

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

(if you're single and amazing enough to get that - and you're not my brother - then please comment on this post with your phone number)

Yah, that idea about not following my commitment not to date for six months? Bad idea. Bad bad idea. Crash, burn, and remain incapacitated to a gradually lessening extent for two months bad. Needless to say that great guy I was talking about ended things with me in short order just after my last post. It was honestly one of the most respectful breakups that I've ever experienced - mine or others'. But, it was still a breakup and it was NAS-TAY in terms of how messed up I've been. But, the punchline really is that the outcome was that we decided that we still wanted to have a relationship and be friends. Or, well, HE decided.

See, he just kind of "announced" that he was glad to have gotten a really good friend out of all of this. And I, being really really devastated at the time, just kind of counted my lucky stars that he wasn't cutting me off completely. So I've hung on. For two months. And it's been OK. By OK I mean that it's been somewhat comforting to be able to shoot him an email about something funny that's happened at the office or about some new bar I thought sounded cool or if I've had a bad day. But, really, all I'm doing is trying to use him in the boyfriend capacity when he's not willing to give what's required to fill that role. So, I've become more and more uncomfortable with this situation. And about two weeks ago I realized that I needed to cut off this friendship business and throw down the breakup gauntlet: either you date me or you do not get access to me in that way. Period.

But that's a really hard thing to say, right? I mean, it's not like he's done anything wrong. He's treated me really well since the breakup and been great, but he's filling in for a missing piece that he can't ever really be. I need that piece to remain missing so that I can try others to see if they fit. I need to just move on. So, I had been trying to figure out how to deal with this and kind of avoiding seeing him in person (though we've been in communication) for a little while. But yesterday he asked me to lunch and, honestly, I jumped on the chance to see him.

Lunch was fine. It was annoyingly flirtatious and I found myself lashing out at him occasionally saying some pretty messed up stuff to him which, I can only imagine, were rooted in the really intense anger and hurt I feel about the breakup that I haven't expressed. So last night, after thinking long and hard about this decision I'd already made for all intents and purposes, I emailed him and said "enough is enough.... we can't see each other socially anymore."

His response: I'll give you what you want, but this is ridiculous and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

I was really hurt. But I didn't respond. I questioned whether I was just trying to make drama by saying something to him about this or whether I should have just slowly slipped off his "friendship" radar over time. I questioned whether I really AM being ridiculous in my position. I wondered if I had maybe just thrown someone away who could be a really great friend. And then I remembered how I've felt each and every time I've answered a text or an email from him in the last two months. How I've felt on the occasions I have seen him. How I've felt even thinking about this situation - that I'm once again just accepting scraps from the table and not demanding what I really deserve - the main course. I deserve all of someone has to give. And why would I stick around for someone who's maybe able to offer me 45% of what I want as a "friend" if what I really wanted was 100% of a relationship with him?

It's not that being with him makes me feel desperate the way I used to feel about some of the guys who have done the friend thing with me before. I'm past that to a large extent. But being around him and talking with him casually did make me feel like I was begging; that he meant so much to me that I couldn't let him go. And I realized that, really, in the end I've finally learned to love myself more than that. I've learned to start to put myself first and not them. So, for me to put myself first in this situation, I HAD to say goodbye.

I'm going to miss him. I'm mostly going to miss the fantasy of what we could have been and were not. But I don't want to live in some fantasy. I want to live my life as best I can. And there's better out there for me....

That's All, Folks....

Not unexpectedly, our confused bachelor just became a thing of the past. Let me bring you up to speed....

So, after I told him to back off until he had resolved things with whoever this other girl is. He backed off for about 48 hours. We saw each other that Friday and then chatted all week long. It was nice.

On Friday I went up to Wisconsin to see one of my best friends get married. The wedding was great! Very beautiful and moving. I had a great time. On Friday he was texting me on the way up there and was getting kind of ... ahem, frisky.... in his messages. I was excited! He seemed to actually be interested in seeing me (I know, as I'm writing this I'm thinking to myself that feeling that this guy is ACTUALLY interested in seeing me is a terrible sign) so we made a plan for this (Sunday) evening.

I got home a little while ago and touched base with him to see what time he wanted to meet up. He avoided the question, so I just said that I would just let him know when I was done running errands. Then, after a long silence, he sent the following text back to me:

"I think perhaps you should make other plans. I'm just really not myself. Getting together probably wouldn't be right for either of us."

#1: Do NOT tell me what's right for me. I tell YOU what's right for me. Do not try to put whatever this is onto me by implying that you're protecting me from doing something bad.

#2: You're an asshole.

Now I've tried my best not to lash out at this guy and to cut him some slack. He seems like he's gone through a lot in his life (and even within the past few weeks) and he really needed someone to lean on. But this is just ridiculous. It seems to me that he's just been using me to fill whatever this emotional void is that he has at the moment and isn't really all that interested in me as a person. Well screw that.

I of course called him immediately upon getting this text and (since, of course, he did not answer) left him a message. I said that it seems like he's not really interested in seeing me... and that I can't continue to invest emotionally in him if that is the case. So, I'm going to stop communicating with him... and he should call me if - and ONLY if - he actually wants to see me.

If I'm honest with myself, this is the better outcome. He seems like the type of person who just likes to wallow in his problems and make no effort to feel happy or work it out. I'm not that person. I want to find a partner who is kind and caring and who wants me to be happy and will allow me to make him happy, too. I don't want to constantly be picking the person I'm with up off the floor and desperately trying to make him happy. It's not my job. My job is to listen and comfort and be there in the bad times.... but also to create good times and experience those good times with my partner as often as possible. I'm not going to tail after some guy who is just not interested in having any good times... its just not worth my time.

Now... back to trolling profiles for the next first date!

Wait... He Said What??

So after analyzing my confusion over and over about this most recent object of my dating affections, I decided to head to bed last night. When, lo and behold, there's an email from him in my inbox! Now I had obsessively checked this email account all day long waiting for this illusive email, but of course it didn't come until just before bed. So, of course, I opened it with bated breath....

The email says... wait for it... that he DOESN'T have the ability to "pursue anything" at this point, but that he still wants to spend time with me because he's "enjoyed every minute" of the time we've spent together so far.

WHAT. THE. HELL. DOES. THAT. MEAN.

Guys. Aaaaaall the guys out there. Here's the deal. And, ladies, don't get all pissed off when I say this because if you sit and think on this theory for a while I'm pretty sure you'll agree with me....

If you are not interested in someone and you are debating whether or not to use the TRUTH when you try to let them down, JUST SAY YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED AND GIVE A REASON WHY. You don't have to be super mean about it. I'm not advocating that you tell me that you're not interested in me because you caught a little glimpse of my cellulite last week as I got out of bed to grab a glass of water after we had sex and it made you want to vomit. Oh no. That's just rude. What I AM saying is that if you're not interested and it's because of a reason like that, please please PLEASE just say that you're not interested because you don't think that there's enough chemistry between us. Or because you met someone else. Or because you don't agree with my politics. Or because you just haven't had that much fun with me.

These excuses might seem harsh (although, I think we can all agree that they're kinder than the cellulite comment), the thing is that they say why you don't think you're compatible with ME. Once you've said one of these things to me, I'm probably going to get offended. It's gonna happen. You're breaking up with me - get with it. But, see, the reason that's a good thing is that it will HELP ME GET OVER YOU SOONER. When you say things like "I'm just not ready" or "I just don't have time" or "its not you, its me" I retain a certain amount of hope. If you're breaking up with someone or just telling them that you don't care to see them ever again, please just say something that will CRUSH my hope.

I'm serious on this one. It's way easier to get over someone who just says something definitive that you can latch onto and understand why you won't make a good match than it is to get over someone who is trying to be nice and spare your feelings. The difference is that I can UNDERSTAND a breakup that has a REASON behind it. When you just say that "you don't have time" for me, I can't understand that. You say that you really like me and I'm great and it has nothing to do with me, but you just don't have time. Here's the thing - if you liked me enough, you'd MAKE time! Just tell the truth!

Soo......

What to do with my current guy?

First of all, I responded to a couple of other emails from new guys on my dating sites today. Let's keep everything in perspective, here. Then.. I responded to him.

I explained that I'm extremely confused about what is going on and why he's handled communication the way he has thus far. I also (and I'm pretty proud of this) told him basically what I said above - stop trying to sugar coat things and just tell me if you're not interested. He denies it. He says he just wants to slow things down.

Slow things down?? You haven't even asked me on a third date!! How can you slow down from a full halt???

So, here's the lesson to you guys. Doing this stuff may seem nice in your head, but ultimately its not. You're just making it harder on me. And.. for the record... I'm not going to DIE because you break up with me or tell me that you're not interested in seeing me anymore. Get over yourself. Have the courtesy to just tell me straight up, without excuses or pretense, and let's all move on with our lives.

Now.... since my beau continues to maintain that he's interested in seeing me again.. the waiting game continues to see how long it will take him to call.