WHY did I go back on my commitment....?

Quite an absence I've had from the blogosphere, gentle reader! Oh, yes, there was a reason. Perhaps one that you may have suggested yourself having read my earlier posts.

I decided to take a break from dating. To bring you up to speed, the Confused Bachelor and I continued to see each other until just after Christmas then I FINALLY put my foot down. I told him just how messed up I think he is and that he needs to concentrate on getting himself together rather than battering women around emotionally with his manipulations and vampirism. Yep. I really was that harsh. And why not? He treated me like his personal chew toy (granted, I let him) for the past several months... he should have to eat some humble pie for that. Not that it probably affected him in the slightest, but at least I felt better.

Then right around the time I was winding down with the Confused Bachelor I met Dog Guy who seemed really great at first but turned out to potentially be an alcoholic (the bartender grabbed me while he went to the men's room to warn me) and then on NYE brought his dog over with him and insisted that this 90 pound drooling monster sleep in my bed. Yuck. I couldn't get him out of here fast enough the next morning.

So since then I've been making some really positive changes in my life; I've been trying to use my time more wisely by reading more, going to the gym and yoga regularly, eating better, attending new events and spending less money. All of these things have been great and have really improved my quality of life... and part of these changes was a promise I made to myself to take 6 full months off from dating. I figured, this is long enough to hit the "reset" button and try to break with old, destructive habits but not long enough to feel totally out of the game. So June 18 became the day that I could start looking again. And, to the extent that I didn't start looking, I followed through with that.

But then, a week ago, I met a man who really wowed me. I had to interview him for a position and thought he was amazing. Just really a genuine person. He seemed to have all of his stuff together. Confident without being arrogant, self-reflective and aware. He just seemed great. And our interview went on for 8 hours, involved about 5 drinks and a trip to play skee-ball. So great. I had such a great time and was so hopeful. But then I started to wonder if I was just sinking into old patterns by looking to this guy to help me through all the changes I'm trying to make in my life for me.....

Still I thought - why would I ignore real potential to adhere to an arbitrary deadline? So I let myself go out to dinner with him this week when he asked. And we had a great time. And he said some things that made me feel like he really thought this could be something. And I bought into that. And I shouldn't have. Because now I'm sitting here four days later still waiting for a phone call and feeling like I have, like so many times in the past, overplayed my hand and lost a guy by maybe putting meaning on things he said that he didn't have any intention to put there. Maybe when he said this or that, it didn't mean anything. Maybe he was kidding. Maybe it was casual. Maybe 1000 things. But here I am now sad that I'm still waiting for a call that may never come and also because I just tossed aside something I had committed to because I was swept away by an ideal image in my head rather than by the actual results I was seeing from my efforts to change my own life.

So I'll continue to wait for the next 24 hours.... and then I'm chalking this one up just like all the others. And maybe this time I really will commit to what I say I'm going to do...