What Happens When I Say "I Love Me More".....?

It's been quite a while, gentle reader. Much has happened.

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

(if you're single and amazing enough to get that - and you're not my brother - then please comment on this post with your phone number)

Yah, that idea about not following my commitment not to date for six months? Bad idea. Bad bad idea. Crash, burn, and remain incapacitated to a gradually lessening extent for two months bad. Needless to say that great guy I was talking about ended things with me in short order just after my last post. It was honestly one of the most respectful breakups that I've ever experienced - mine or others'. But, it was still a breakup and it was NAS-TAY in terms of how messed up I've been. But, the punchline really is that the outcome was that we decided that we still wanted to have a relationship and be friends. Or, well, HE decided.

See, he just kind of "announced" that he was glad to have gotten a really good friend out of all of this. And I, being really really devastated at the time, just kind of counted my lucky stars that he wasn't cutting me off completely. So I've hung on. For two months. And it's been OK. By OK I mean that it's been somewhat comforting to be able to shoot him an email about something funny that's happened at the office or about some new bar I thought sounded cool or if I've had a bad day. But, really, all I'm doing is trying to use him in the boyfriend capacity when he's not willing to give what's required to fill that role. So, I've become more and more uncomfortable with this situation. And about two weeks ago I realized that I needed to cut off this friendship business and throw down the breakup gauntlet: either you date me or you do not get access to me in that way. Period.

But that's a really hard thing to say, right? I mean, it's not like he's done anything wrong. He's treated me really well since the breakup and been great, but he's filling in for a missing piece that he can't ever really be. I need that piece to remain missing so that I can try others to see if they fit. I need to just move on. So, I had been trying to figure out how to deal with this and kind of avoiding seeing him in person (though we've been in communication) for a little while. But yesterday he asked me to lunch and, honestly, I jumped on the chance to see him.

Lunch was fine. It was annoyingly flirtatious and I found myself lashing out at him occasionally saying some pretty messed up stuff to him which, I can only imagine, were rooted in the really intense anger and hurt I feel about the breakup that I haven't expressed. So last night, after thinking long and hard about this decision I'd already made for all intents and purposes, I emailed him and said "enough is enough.... we can't see each other socially anymore."

His response: I'll give you what you want, but this is ridiculous and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

I was really hurt. But I didn't respond. I questioned whether I was just trying to make drama by saying something to him about this or whether I should have just slowly slipped off his "friendship" radar over time. I questioned whether I really AM being ridiculous in my position. I wondered if I had maybe just thrown someone away who could be a really great friend. And then I remembered how I've felt each and every time I've answered a text or an email from him in the last two months. How I've felt on the occasions I have seen him. How I've felt even thinking about this situation - that I'm once again just accepting scraps from the table and not demanding what I really deserve - the main course. I deserve all of someone has to give. And why would I stick around for someone who's maybe able to offer me 45% of what I want as a "friend" if what I really wanted was 100% of a relationship with him?

It's not that being with him makes me feel desperate the way I used to feel about some of the guys who have done the friend thing with me before. I'm past that to a large extent. But being around him and talking with him casually did make me feel like I was begging; that he meant so much to me that I couldn't let him go. And I realized that, really, in the end I've finally learned to love myself more than that. I've learned to start to put myself first and not them. So, for me to put myself first in this situation, I HAD to say goodbye.

I'm going to miss him. I'm mostly going to miss the fantasy of what we could have been and were not. But I don't want to live in some fantasy. I want to live my life as best I can. And there's better out there for me....