What Happens When I Say "I Love Me More".....?

It's been quite a while, gentle reader. Much has happened.

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

(if you're single and amazing enough to get that - and you're not my brother - then please comment on this post with your phone number)

Yah, that idea about not following my commitment not to date for six months? Bad idea. Bad bad idea. Crash, burn, and remain incapacitated to a gradually lessening extent for two months bad. Needless to say that great guy I was talking about ended things with me in short order just after my last post. It was honestly one of the most respectful breakups that I've ever experienced - mine or others'. But, it was still a breakup and it was NAS-TAY in terms of how messed up I've been. But, the punchline really is that the outcome was that we decided that we still wanted to have a relationship and be friends. Or, well, HE decided.

See, he just kind of "announced" that he was glad to have gotten a really good friend out of all of this. And I, being really really devastated at the time, just kind of counted my lucky stars that he wasn't cutting me off completely. So I've hung on. For two months. And it's been OK. By OK I mean that it's been somewhat comforting to be able to shoot him an email about something funny that's happened at the office or about some new bar I thought sounded cool or if I've had a bad day. But, really, all I'm doing is trying to use him in the boyfriend capacity when he's not willing to give what's required to fill that role. So, I've become more and more uncomfortable with this situation. And about two weeks ago I realized that I needed to cut off this friendship business and throw down the breakup gauntlet: either you date me or you do not get access to me in that way. Period.

But that's a really hard thing to say, right? I mean, it's not like he's done anything wrong. He's treated me really well since the breakup and been great, but he's filling in for a missing piece that he can't ever really be. I need that piece to remain missing so that I can try others to see if they fit. I need to just move on. So, I had been trying to figure out how to deal with this and kind of avoiding seeing him in person (though we've been in communication) for a little while. But yesterday he asked me to lunch and, honestly, I jumped on the chance to see him.

Lunch was fine. It was annoyingly flirtatious and I found myself lashing out at him occasionally saying some pretty messed up stuff to him which, I can only imagine, were rooted in the really intense anger and hurt I feel about the breakup that I haven't expressed. So last night, after thinking long and hard about this decision I'd already made for all intents and purposes, I emailed him and said "enough is enough.... we can't see each other socially anymore."

His response: I'll give you what you want, but this is ridiculous and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

I was really hurt. But I didn't respond. I questioned whether I was just trying to make drama by saying something to him about this or whether I should have just slowly slipped off his "friendship" radar over time. I questioned whether I really AM being ridiculous in my position. I wondered if I had maybe just thrown someone away who could be a really great friend. And then I remembered how I've felt each and every time I've answered a text or an email from him in the last two months. How I've felt on the occasions I have seen him. How I've felt even thinking about this situation - that I'm once again just accepting scraps from the table and not demanding what I really deserve - the main course. I deserve all of someone has to give. And why would I stick around for someone who's maybe able to offer me 45% of what I want as a "friend" if what I really wanted was 100% of a relationship with him?

It's not that being with him makes me feel desperate the way I used to feel about some of the guys who have done the friend thing with me before. I'm past that to a large extent. But being around him and talking with him casually did make me feel like I was begging; that he meant so much to me that I couldn't let him go. And I realized that, really, in the end I've finally learned to love myself more than that. I've learned to start to put myself first and not them. So, for me to put myself first in this situation, I HAD to say goodbye.

I'm going to miss him. I'm mostly going to miss the fantasy of what we could have been and were not. But I don't want to live in some fantasy. I want to live my life as best I can. And there's better out there for me....

Can I Just Let Them Chase.....?

So. SO.

So I have a problem. Going back on my commitment not to date for six months didn't really expose anything but the fact that I have a problem. And the problem is this: I can't, I mean I really CAN'T just let go and let the guy chase me in a dating situation. I want to be in control of things 100% of the time with the guy doing everything that I want and I need and I think is correct. Which, you know, is interesting given the fact that if the guy was acting that way I would NEVER be interested in him! Ugh... so how does this happen? Well, let me tell you, gentle reader.

Read that last post, did ya? Yah, read it again now with me having said the above. See? OK, so here's a recap with a bend towards proving this new point - that I have a problem. I can't just take a guy's word for it. Whatever "it" is. I have to push the envelope. I have to get confirmation on a regular basis to satisfy my own need to control and understand the situation at every waking moment. THIS is a problem. Its something that, I think, has caused most of the potential relationships I've had over the years to break up or go nowhere. Why can't I just let go and let him lead??

Like this weekend, for example.

Well, wait. Let me back up. I DID in fact hear from the guy I talked about in the last post and did go out with him again twice since I last wrote. And he's still awesome. And he's still doing and saying things that indicate that he's interested in more than just casual dating. But he doesn't call me with the frequency I'd like. He works more than I'd like. He seems content with seeing each other once weekly whereas I'd like to start stepping it up to twice or three times. But why can't I just let that go and just go with the flow?? Why can't I just take his word as his word and understand that this is the pace he's comfortable with to move forward? Why do I feel like I have to push all the time? And most importantly.... how do I fix this kind of problematic thinking??

I don't know the answer to these questions.. but I do know that I'm going to do my best not to do that with this one. So, I wait. I wait for his email or his phone call and I go about my life in between. I think that's what I'm supposed to be doing, right?

WHY did I go back on my commitment....?

Quite an absence I've had from the blogosphere, gentle reader! Oh, yes, there was a reason. Perhaps one that you may have suggested yourself having read my earlier posts.

I decided to take a break from dating. To bring you up to speed, the Confused Bachelor and I continued to see each other until just after Christmas then I FINALLY put my foot down. I told him just how messed up I think he is and that he needs to concentrate on getting himself together rather than battering women around emotionally with his manipulations and vampirism. Yep. I really was that harsh. And why not? He treated me like his personal chew toy (granted, I let him) for the past several months... he should have to eat some humble pie for that. Not that it probably affected him in the slightest, but at least I felt better.

Then right around the time I was winding down with the Confused Bachelor I met Dog Guy who seemed really great at first but turned out to potentially be an alcoholic (the bartender grabbed me while he went to the men's room to warn me) and then on NYE brought his dog over with him and insisted that this 90 pound drooling monster sleep in my bed. Yuck. I couldn't get him out of here fast enough the next morning.

So since then I've been making some really positive changes in my life; I've been trying to use my time more wisely by reading more, going to the gym and yoga regularly, eating better, attending new events and spending less money. All of these things have been great and have really improved my quality of life... and part of these changes was a promise I made to myself to take 6 full months off from dating. I figured, this is long enough to hit the "reset" button and try to break with old, destructive habits but not long enough to feel totally out of the game. So June 18 became the day that I could start looking again. And, to the extent that I didn't start looking, I followed through with that.

But then, a week ago, I met a man who really wowed me. I had to interview him for a position and thought he was amazing. Just really a genuine person. He seemed to have all of his stuff together. Confident without being arrogant, self-reflective and aware. He just seemed great. And our interview went on for 8 hours, involved about 5 drinks and a trip to play skee-ball. So great. I had such a great time and was so hopeful. But then I started to wonder if I was just sinking into old patterns by looking to this guy to help me through all the changes I'm trying to make in my life for me.....

Still I thought - why would I ignore real potential to adhere to an arbitrary deadline? So I let myself go out to dinner with him this week when he asked. And we had a great time. And he said some things that made me feel like he really thought this could be something. And I bought into that. And I shouldn't have. Because now I'm sitting here four days later still waiting for a phone call and feeling like I have, like so many times in the past, overplayed my hand and lost a guy by maybe putting meaning on things he said that he didn't have any intention to put there. Maybe when he said this or that, it didn't mean anything. Maybe he was kidding. Maybe it was casual. Maybe 1000 things. But here I am now sad that I'm still waiting for a call that may never come and also because I just tossed aside something I had committed to because I was swept away by an ideal image in my head rather than by the actual results I was seeing from my efforts to change my own life.

So I'll continue to wait for the next 24 hours.... and then I'm chalking this one up just like all the others. And maybe this time I really will commit to what I say I'm going to do...

Where Can I Go From Here.....?

I spent last night with the confused bachelor. Not like THAT. Just spent the evening with him. I had hoped that going up there was going to help me figure out what's going on between us, but now I'm more confused than ever. Let me back up... I kind of glossed over the details of what's been going on in my last post, so I feel as though I have a responsibility to bring you, gentle reader, back up to speed.

You'll recall that the confused bachelor came from a matching online dating site. We were matched, we started emailing, there was immediate email chemistry. We met up for a date, had a great connection... then the weirdness started. He would make plans and then cancel them. He would only suggest seeing me at his apartment - never out in the world. He then confessed to me that he was trying to rekindle a dating relationship with someone he met before me. So I cut him off..... but he came back. I let him in again and we started to get closer. Then, he started blowing me off constantly and I told him that I don't want anything to do with a relationship based solely on what HE needs. We stopped talking.... then he came back again.

This last blow up was big. It was hurtful. It took me a while to get through it. But, as usual... he came back. Now we are where we are and I'm so confused. Although, maybe reading through this saga I'm starting to see that perhaps I shouldn't feel so confused.

Confusing fact #1: HE always re-initiates communication.

When I've told him to get lost, it's always been him who rekindled our relationship. He always contacts me to tell me how much he hates not talking to me. I - perhaps stupidly - take that as an indication that he is interested in me. Enough to swallow his pride and take the risk that I'll tell him to screw off when he re-contacts me. Although now he's got a reasonable assurance that I won't do that since I've let him restart things with me three times now without telling him to get out of town so I suppose that tempers the courage it takes him to recontact me.

Confusing fact #2: We have ridiculously strong physical chemistry.

It's great. Really. It's hot and satisfying and tender and sweet and .... OK. Enough details on that. Suffice it to say that I find it hard to believe that two people can sustain this kind of chemistry and have nothing between them.

Confusing fact #3: He's told me flat-out that he has feelings for me.

He's implied this before, but last night he actually SAID it. We watched movies and started to chat about love and life and our relationship and I put it out there that I have feelings for him. I'm not sure I've ever said that to him, either. He immediately said "and I have feelings for you." We talked about this for a really long time and now I just don't know what to think.

Basically he told me that he used to have a life he loved when he lived on the east coast. He had a girlfriend he loved (and who he thought he would marry) and a home and a dog and he was near to his son and he loved his job..... all of the pieces had fallen into place. Then.... she broke up with him and sent his whole world into upheaval. He was kicked out of his home, lost many of his friends, and had to find his footing after losing someone he thought he'd be with the rest of his life. So he picked up and left, moved to Chicago, and here he is today.

The fact is that he's not happy here. The reason he's not happy here is because he's trying to find the life he had on the east coast here - which won't, of course, ever happen. He'll never be with her or have the job he left or the house he lived in or the friends he lost while he's here. And he can't let go of that ideal and build a life for himself here. So, now knowing all of this, I need to figure out what to do here.

I have real feelings for this person. I'm attracted to him. He makes me laugh. When he's not bogged down inside his own thoughts, he's great to talk to. He's intelligent. We just have a good time together and we want the same thing - a real, involved, committed, meaningful relationship. I know he's done some messed up things to me in the brief three months I've known him, but I can't deny that my feelings for him remain. Perhaps I'm stupidly forgiving and perhaps I should be smarter about this, but I can't wish away my feelings....

I also realize that there may just not be anything here for me. I can't compete with his life on the east coast. I'm never going to be the girl that he lost. I'm never going to fit into that idea of perfection. And I can't get him to snap out of the idea that he'll somehow be able to get that life back despite the fact that it exploded spectacularly into 1,000 pieces. I also can't do anything to get him to realize that maybe starting a new relationship might help him start to put down some roots here and start a real life here. I can't save him.

So, I don't know what to do. I don't know how I feel because my feelings for him are strong, but my feeling that I need to stop letting him hurt me (not intentionally, but just by not committing to me despite his feelings for me) while he figures out his life will eventually get stronger. I guess this is really hard because I know that if I continue on the course that I'm on, it is very likely that I will continue to grow closer to him and will eventually get very hurt when I realize that he is not capable of committing to me. However, I also know that if I don't continue to give this a shot, I'll regret it. I'll always wonder if I walked away from this guy to keep myself from getting hurt and lost out on an opportunity to start something real with him. I just don't know. I'm just terribly torn and I have no idea what to do.

So.... I'm off to girls' night out with Quinn! Hurrah! Dinner and drinks and dancing is just what I need to snap out of this malaise and start looking on the positive side of things again.... even though I'll probably be checking my phone and email all night hoping that he called me. Sad. :)

... the More I Love My Dog

Ever heard this song? Carrie Underwood sings it. "The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog." This is a very astute observation. I'm living proof.

The last two months have been, well, trying. I had drinks with a friend of mine the other night who told me that I collect failed dating partners as if they were puppies. I sit them down and line them up and train them like good little dogs in order to feel better about my own dating experiences. The sad thing is, she's kind of right. Let me explain...

It's been a while since my last post, so things are quite different now than the were a month an a half ago. Hopefully I can cut back on the time lapse between posts in the future. Anyway, since my last post, I've gained two "friends" from failed dating experiences, rekindled a romance that just won't seem to end and started dating a new person who, I think, may be too boring for me. Allow me to elaborate.

Our favorite confused bachelor is now, apparently, my "friend." I put that label in quotes because we're still trying to parse out the parameters of this friendly-but-not-dating relationship which, if I'm honest, is a direct result of the fact that I like chatting with this guy (amongst other things) too much to just let it die - which it really needs to. Things got messy between us about 3 weeks back. Lots of text message confessions of love and a pseudo-suicide threat and just a lot of fricking drama. I would go into more detail, but, frankly, I don't want to embarrass myself any more than I already have been by publishing the facts of the situation and demonstrating once again what an idiot I am sometimes.

Anyway, so there was this whole ridiculous blowup between us and we stopped talking... for about a week and a half. Then his texts started. And the emails. And the "well, can't we be friends?" And I'm too stupid and, frankly, too smitten with the idea of this guy not to participate. I'm hoping that I'll eventually snap out of it, realize that there's nothing to be had here, and slowly let it fade away. We'll see.

Second friend acquisition is the last guy I talked about before hiatus. Good writer, interesting person - totally wrong for me romantically. We did two dates. They were fun. I felt no attraction whatsoever, so I told him friendship was all I can offer him. He accepted, which was somewhat surprising. Normally, guys just don't respond to the "lets be friends" email, which is what I expected here. Instead, I got an invite to his place to have takeout and watch old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer which, I must confess, is a rockin' good night to me. So, we've been hanging out and talking very regularly since then. Its actually been really great and I'm really really glad things turned out that way.

The thing is, though, that I act as a kind of dating coach to both of these guys. With the confused bachelor, he tells me about dates, I respond. He doesn't want to hear about my dates, though. A sure-fire sign that he's not yet transitioned into the "friend" mode we've discussed. Graphic designer (bachelor #2), however, is completely transitioned and is a great friend to talk with about dating and internet nonsense. And these are, I think, the two possibilities for "friendship" after you realize you're not a match: either you torture each other with your presence pretending that you're not still attracted to one another or you turn into a dating coach and talk about little else in your lives.

So, there's those two. Who knows what's going on with either of them.

After the confused bachelor debacle I decided that I should use my traditional tactic of finding a ton of new guys to chat with online to ease the pain of the loss. I know, I know. There should have been no pain there. But, there was.... so I needed a distraction. I decided to change dating sites just to see what else was out there since I'd been using the same site for quite some time. So, I switched over and started my search....... and found very very little.

It seems that online dating sites go through phases (like dating in general) of having waaaaay too many choices or absolutely no one you'd ever be caught dead in public with. Plus, once you've been on a particular site for long enough, everyone starts to just be the same ol', same ol'. So, I figured that a change of scenery would be a good thing - but it turned out to be a whole lot more of the same - not much.

Anyway, I did start talking to one person on the new site. He's a web designer. A bit older than my usual age range, but I figured that since I'd plunged headfirst back into the dating desert, I shouldn't be so picky. We exchanged emails for a week or so and he, having failed to make a suggestion on his own, accepted my invitation to dinner at a low-key french restaurant we had both mentioned we liked. I was somewhat skeptical given his reluctance to ask me out and the age difference, but I was very pleasantly surprised after the date. Conversation was easy, we were laughing, enjoying each other's company. We closed out the restaurant. I was so shocked! But it was nice to get a surprise on a date - that hasn't happened to me in a while.

So I didn't hear from this guy.... for a week!!! Now, I wouldn't normally get irritated by this. Maybe a little hurt (if I thought the date had gone well), but not irritated, really. In this case, however, I was getting VERY irritated not hearing from him. Why? Because he made a pseudo-plan. What is a pseudo-plan you ask? Its a not-quite-a-plan. It's a lets-do-this-again, but not just "this." In this case it was "let's go to a movie together." OK. That sounds good! You have my number. Call me!

But there was no call. There was no email. For seven days!!! Seven days!!! Now, if the date had ended without a pseudo-plan, I would think "eh, he's just not interested." But you ACTED interested! You brought up another date! You even suggested an activity!! I thought...... ugh.

So I'm a total victim of the "He's Just Not That Into You" pop culture phenomenon. I feel like if a guy doesn't call me, its because he doesn't WANT to call me. So I mulled this over and thought it through and bounced it off of some friends and finally (after some fairly stern cajoling from the graphic designer) decided to email him. And he wrote back! Quickly! And suggested another date! For a Friday night! All good things. So, maybe that Greg guy isn't all that smart after all.

So! I went on the first Friday night date I've had in a really long time. Internet dating veterans all know that a Friday night date is a coveted prize. It means that the person you're dating actually values your time. A Tuesday night is expendable. A Friday night though..... it means something. So we met up for dinner at a veeeeery yummy Indian restaurant near my place (excellent taste!) and then went to see Zombieland. Fun stuff! Such a great date! Too bad we were both so fricking exhausted that conversation dragged, I almost fell asleep in the movie and, well, I screwed up the end of the date.

Now, web designer and I did not kiss on our first date. Which is OK. But I really wanted to get the kiss going on during this date. I mean, if there's no chemistry, what's the point, right? By the time we got back to my place (he drove me home from the theater... it was after midnight when we got back to my building) I was so desperate to get into bed and just get to sleep that I dashed out of the car and ran inside, stripping my clothes off as I went and (after a VERY quick potty break for my dog) went straight to bed.

Next morning I woke up and thought, OMIGOD, WHAT DID I DO???? What a fool I am! Did I lose my damn mind??? What to do? What to do? We were both exhausted. The date wasn't bad.. it was just... quiet. So, I decided to email him right away and explain that I ran from the car not because of distaste or disappointment, but out of sheer exhaustion-induced insanity.

Thankfully, he wrote back to me the same day and said he was relieved to hear that was the reason and not that I didn't want to go out again. So, we're trying to schedule another date now. Lesson learned. He may not be that into me.. but I'll never have any idea how into him I am if I don't put myself out there, communicate with my dates and swallow my pride - just a little.

... Because He Needed Some Closure

So, I come home Thursday night from work just exhausted. I'm not really sure why because I've managed to perfect the art of looking busy while doing nothing all week at work. It's kind of sad and terrifying at the same time that I can convince people in my office that I'm maddeningly busy and actually be playing mafia wars all afternoon on Facebook.

Anyway, I sit down on my couch and decide to check email. Lo and behold, who has emailed me but our favorite confused bachelor. The email says the following: I'm really sorry - I wasn't myself when I was being a jerk to you. I'm going through a lot and can't deal with extra pressure right now. I'm really sorry.

Huh??

I mean, really. Huh??

What is that supposed to do for me? Make me feel better about how things went because you're really not an asshole but just acted like one for the last several weeks to a person you'd never even met before???

OK, OK. Now that's a bit harsh. But the reality is that he didn't send me this email for me to feel better - he sent it for HIM to feel better. This email was meant to calm some nagging feeling he was having about how he left things with me. Like he wanted to satisfy himself that he's still a "good guy" and that "good guys" apologize for being jerks or something. To me, that's totally unnecessary since we had only known each other for 3-4 weeks and had only spent time together on 3 occasions. At that point, you don't owe me squat.

I could have ignored the message. I could have written something bitchy back, but I did neither of those things. Nope! I wrote a sweet but firm message that said that I hoped, first and foremost, that he was doing OK. Second, that I stand by my decision to cut him off until and unless he becomes able to invest emotionally in me as much as he was asking me to invest in him. And I finished off by saying that the door is still open if he gets to a point in his life where he's worked things out and can actually get into a relationship. I think it was the right thing to do. Ad I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns.

Now...on to the next.

About the Email....

Instead of spending hours and hours (ok, ok... more like, instead of spending days and days because I AM spending hours and hours) wondering why things went awry with the confused bachelor, I did what any self-respecting internet dater would do to forget about a misstep in the world of love - I sent emails and/or "notices of interest short of an email" to about 20 guys in the last two days. I also updated my picture to be a picture of me from a wedding I attended this weekend. In case you, gentle reader, are also exploring the world of internet dating, updating your photo every few weeks is the best way to keep traffic up on your profile. Regardless if you've had a change of appearance of not, it's good just to keep a fresh photo up there. You never know what picture will attract which guy (or gal), so change them early and often to make sure you're getting as many kits as possible.

So, anyway, as usual, the results from this fishing expedition had been minimal so far. See, in the world of internet dating, if you don't get a response to an email or .. that other thing that's not an email.. within a day or so, you can pretty much write that person off as being one of two things: 1) not interested; or 2) no longer a subscriber to that site. Its kind of good, actually. Keeps the guessing down to a minimum. And I have no problem getting no responses to emails, etc... it's just casting a wide net to see what comes back.

So, this morning at work, I was extremely bored. Coming back from a long weekend is always difficult, but coming back to not much work is actually worse. At least when you have a lot to do your day goes by fast. But this morning I found myself with some time and continued my search a bit further. I came across a profile that intrigued me. The "headline" of the profile (basically, a tweet that is supposed to entice people to look at you) said the following:

I live life by a simple philosophy, make every moment as great as possible in an effort to balance out those not in your control. Join me?

I like that motto. It makes sense to me. I want to be with someone who has that motto (and who is not in the camp of the clinically depressed like our woebegone confused bachelor) and who wants to get out into the WORLD. Now... a few caveats. This guy is not really someone I am normally attracted to. He classifies himself as having "a few extra pounds" and from his pictures looks like he would need a lot of work in the area of fashion and hair care... but those are fixable items. Plus the actual profile was really really good. He likes lists. He's a graphic designer. He's funny. He talked about what he would do with his leftover lunch money when he was 10 years old - which involved a very painful decision between buying music and buying comics. Adorable. Smart. Funny.

So, I think, what the hell. I'll email him and see if anything comes of it. He responds promptly. His email is spectacular. It's also adorable, smart, funny and well written which, in the world of internet dating, is the fucking holy grail. He SAID things about his life and made OBSERVATIONS about the world. He related a few funny stories and conveyed a positive outlook on dating in general. So, I responded in kind, telling him about some strange and funny things that happened to me this weekend and giving a bit more information about me. He responded AGAIN with an even longer email which asked really great questions about me and my profile and told me that my dog is "cute as hell."

Now, anyone who knows me will tell you that Corby, my beagle, is the gatekeeper to my heart. If Corby doesn't like you, you're not getting anywhere. So, the fact that he brought up the dog unprompted and said he was really really cute was a big deal.

So everything is great! Right? Maybe.

Here's the thing with the email. Many men who are able to email in this way are totally different people when you meet them. As if they only create a personality in writing and otherwise don't have much of one whatsoever. It's always a huge disappointment because you get so excited about the possibility of this person being really great and then your hopes are completely squashed by the void left when their keyboard is taken from them.

However....

He's already proposed a date. HUGE. Some guys don't ask you out for ages.

Also....

He made two suggestions for the date. GIGANTIC. Most guys just ask "well, what do YOU want to do" rather than actually putting some thought into the matter.

Furthermore...

His suggestions were GOOD! His first was dinner/drinks/midnight movie at the Music Box which is... wait for it... ALIENS. Hilarious! His second suggestion was seeing the new exhibit at the MCA which is one of my favorite places in the entire city. I got all tingly just reading these suggestions.

So then my excitement shut down. This happens occasionally when my subconscious is trying to protect me from something that may or may not be (in this case, a guy who seems great in email but could be a big nothing) and becomes a bit overactive in times of breakup. So, I'm going to keep emailing with the graphic designer and see how it goes. I'm going to try to stay excited and not let my current, somewhat wounded state get in my way. I'm gonna pick up those Sex and the City colored glasses and move on.... which is just what the Girls would do.